being medicated
So, if you've read my blog for a while (or can just tell based on vibes), you might know I have this thing called ADHD. Now, I didn't always know I had ADHD. My mom would see me staring blankly at the mess she told me to clean up, constantly forgetting basic tasks, forgetting to do/losing my homework, etc. and thought "oh his brain just works differently!" My 2nd grade teacher told my mom I was ADD in the mid-2000s. Maybe had my teacher not been the wicked witch of the east prior to getting curb stomped by a fucking house, my mom would have listened.
So, I spent most of my life up to my early adulthood struggling with something I didn't know I had. I eventually met with some friends and the subject of ADHD came up, and one of them said "yeah, I was actually surprised when you said you didn't have ADHD". I asked them why they think that. To which they replied, "You zone out constantly, you're sort of all over the place, you always seem to struggle with concentration... stuff like that."
Growing up, I didn't know much about ADHD. My only exposure was the one hyperactive kid, and this one girl who had it and I used to joke that she had "HDTV".... I was 8. So when I did research on ADHD, boy was I surprised. The diagnostic criteria fit me like a glove, my wife looked at it and said "oh yeah that's definitely you". I talked to my mom about it and she's like "oh, I didn't know that... I think your dad had ADHD". I later got this reaffirmed by my therapist, and thought welp, better go talk to a doctor!
I classify as "mixed" ADHD, as in I have both prominent inattentive, and hyperactive symptoms. Which more recent classifications say that inattentiveness and hyperactivity present differently depending on context. At work or school, it's inattentive central. Leave me unattended with my best friend and I'm as hyperactive as a Chihuahua booty-bumping powder. That all being said, because I tend to lean inattentive in most contexts (daydreaming/zoning out constantly, forgetfulness, etc.) most of my symptoms flew under the radar because I wasn't in a classroom bouncing off the walls like someone strapped a Furby to a car battery.
When I got to my appointment with my doctor, I basically had confirmed I had ADHD. She had me fill out this little screening sheet, looked at it, and was basically like "alright, here's some meth." So my medicated ADHD journey started with 10mg of Adderall XR. I had gotten my prescription the day before my wedding, and I consulted someone I knew had ADHD and was on medication if I should take it now. They basically said "you have no clue how this is gonna affect you, do it tomorrow". I'm glad I listened, because I took it the next day, and boy did I concentrate on EVERYTHING.
I took my first dose the morning after my wedding, and I was like "I'm gonna go do stuff now". So I washed the dishes, put together the new spice rack we got, organized some stuff, and then I laid on the couch in complete silence. For the first time I didn't have this never-ending internal monologue. I later went and got lunch with my wife and parents and it was almost jarring that I could actually sit and concentrate on a conversation and have my brain switch channels halfway through.
This was the most focused I have ever been... and have ever been since. The effects of the medication got weaker over time. We upped my dose to about 20mg of Adderall and it wasn't doing much besides making my heart feel like it was gonna come out of my chest when I stand up. I also gaslit myself that I didn't need the medication, with some underlining thought that maybe I don't have ADHD and that I'm just not trying hard enough.
I stopped taking my medication for close to a year or so because I was done with school for a while, work wasn't super demanding, and I didn't have much responsibilities. This then changed after my wife and I decided to have our daughter. I realized VERY quickly that my brain wasn't going to function well. I also committed to starting school again. So, I decided to go back to medication station.
I told my new PCP (Primary Care Provider) the struggle I had with Adderall, how I felt like it wasn't doing much. So, he prescribed my 30mg of Vyvanse. Now THIS shit worked really well for a while. However, the same problem with it spiking my heart rate came up, and it also made my hands and feet extremely cold.
Not wanting my hands to remind me what it's like to be a 19th century feeble old woman, I went back to my PCP and we decided to go with a non-stimulant, Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is technically an anti-depressant, but is used off-label to treat ADHD. The downside is that you run the 50/50 shot of it working or making you want to kill yourself. Thankfully, in a psychoactive game with my internal Anton Chigurh, I called heads and didn't get the suicidal ideation symptoms. We started on 150mg and then went to 300mg which is what I'm currently on now.
It took a while for the effects to kick in. The hard part is there isn't really a symptom that tells me for sure that it is active. It also takes a month for it to fully start to feel the effects. So one day you'll just go from hardly ever doing the dishes, to now having a constantly clean sink, like an ADHD frog slowly boiling in the water of a functional person.
ADHD medication combined with a medical marijuana card makes for a great time. Not only can I then concentrate on doing the dishes, I can also tell myself really funny jokes and giggle my ass off like an idiot while doing them.
I still have ADHD, I'm still distractable, impulsive, forgetful, struggle with transitions, all that, but at least I can do things more consistently now. It's controlled chaos, and it works well enough for me.
Reply via email: me@absurdpirate.com
as of writing this...
I am going on an overnight camping trip today. It'll be nice to get out for a bit into nature. Need to completely log-off the internet for a bit, catch up on some reading, and be with family.