I Forgot How Bad My ADHD Was: AKA AAAAAAHHHHHHH
I somehow coasted through most of my life with undiagnosed ADHD. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 23. I first discovered I might have it when I was talking to some friends and they said to me "I was actually really surprised when you said you didn't have ADHD." I asked them why, they said "just the amount of hobbies you have, you'll be looking at someone and have not heard a word they said, you daydream a lot..." so on and so forth. So I looked up the symptoms, and thought maybe there was some merit to it.
I started to become aware of my symptoms under a new lens, I always thought everyone had a never-ending monologue that would occasionally press "loop" on an internal iPod. Went to a doctor, got screened, got prescribed Adderall. The rest, as they say, is history. Every time I gaslight myself and stop taking medication, the problems come right back.
So, I've been medicated for a while. I've tried several medications that have all worked to varying levels of success. Adderall was great, but it raised my heartrate by like 20bpm and essentially put my brain on 0.5x speed while putting my ability to actually do stuff at 2x speed. I wouldn't just do chores, I'd do them all back to back and then crash, or I'd hyperfixate on something I've been wanting to do, but then haven't eaten all day. Vyvanse was roughly the same story, but it would make my hands and feet like ice. Wellbutrin kinda sorta worked I guess. It was more mild, but then I had this consistent, mild anxiety every day which sucked ass.
So, I've been off of all meds for like a week at this point. I had completely forgotten what it was like to just be raw-dogging my ADHD. Reading even a few sentences of documentation for work may as well be like trying to negotiate a hostage situation. I can't pay attention to shit worth fuck. The iPod is on loop. The brain won't shut the hell up. Concentrating on anything feels like I have an iPad baby piloting me like a meat mech.
All this and I'm a month out from being able to see my primary care for a new medication. So it's Self-Medication City for me babyyyy. I can get stuff done, but I gotta shoot back like 4 shots of espresso beforehand... there are worse things. Cocaine is an option.
So yeah, dealing with all this kinda blows. I'll get through it, it's just gonna fun(?) trying to survive until I get on new medication.
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