My Accelerated Resolution Therapy Experience
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So, earlier this week, I had a session with my therapist to discuss what happened when I escaped that shooting. I already wrote a post about that, so I won't go into too much detail there. She offered for us, on our next session, to do Accelerated Resolution Therapy. I've heard her mention it before, so I figured I'd give it a try. She made the disclaimer that it will really only work if I'm open to it. To which I was. So, yesterday, that's what we did.
The session started out with her handing me this little device, it had this little central unit, and connected to it were two flat, egg-shaped paddles that I would hold one in each hand. The paddles would alternate vibrating, left and right. The idea was to promote bilateral stimulation.
We started with going over a chart of emotions that I felt in regards to the event. Powerlessness, fear, anxiety, sadness.
Then we moved on to going over the event. I tried to recall every detail. Every emotion while the paddles would vibrate in my hand, left-right-left-right. I went over the initial shooting, the quick sprint out of the main street, the unease of the travel back home, my friend throwing up after we got off the train, everything.
She would then ask me where I was feeling my emotions, primarily I was feeling this weight on my chest. We then visualized me taking this stack of bricks off my chest.
We did about 2 rounds of this, with each recall seeming to have a less and less of a negative emotion and more of a neutral one. On the last round, I told her I was feeling more calm from recalling the ride in the car back home. To which we tried to amplify that feeling. Trying to go into a happy place of sorts, visualizing myself on a calm beach.
We then went and recalled the event again, this time she wanted me to imagine something to protect me from harm. I opted for visualizing myself in my Halo 3 Spartan's armor, the most indestructible thing I could think of at the moment. I imagined myself as a 7ft tall unstoppable force, overshields and all. Then we went through the event again with this visualization.
We then tried to maximize the positive/calm emotions, I pulled out all the mental stops. Me sitting on the beach, and everyone I love all being there, even people who have left this world. Me, my wife, my daughter, my dad, my mom, my step dad, my in-laws, my best friend, all there on this picturesque beach.
That is the power of imagination, being able to put yourself in wherever you want and see it in full clarity. Seeing my dad in my minds eye, alive, happy, proud of me brought the kind of tear to my eye that only absolute peace could.
My therapist then asked me to visualize taking these boxes of the scenes from the "old memory", and see in my mind's eye everyone helping me move these boxes into a pile. Then dousing that pile in gasoline, lighting it ablaze, and watching it burn.
From there, I was asked to visualize a bridge. Then to walk towards the middle of that bridge with a bag of the ashes from the old memory, then throwing that bag over the bridge and into the water, watching it drift away in the river below. I then visualized everyone I loved walking over that bridge together, towards a "brighter and hopeful future" as my therapist put it.
Finally, I was asked to visualize all of us there at that beach again with water as perfect as it could get. I opted for visualizing this water as the tap water from Aruba, the best water I've ever drank in my life when I was on my honeymoon. I imagined everyone there, happy, playing in the water. I visualized myself just laying in the water, letting the noise become muffled by the clean, clear, delicious water as it filled my ear drums. I have this thing, where apparently floating in water and drowning out all the noise in said water brings out this level of peace that I try to replicate any chance I get.
I left that session the most calm I've felt in a while. The fear and anxiety of being out in the open had largely dissipated. I spent the rest of the day with my girls grateful for them being in my life, grateful for being able to come home to them.
As of today, every time I try to recall the events of what happened, I can only recall the "new" memory with me clad in armor. The facts are still there, I obviously wasn't wearing blue Mjolnir Mk. II Security armor, with green EOD shoulders, and Recon breastplate. However, with those facts being kept, I had lost the negative emotions it seems. I guess we will know how well it worked when I inevitably return to work, and by proxy the scene of the shooting. I'm hopeful and not nearly as anxious as I was to even just leave the house, and out of everything I consider that the biggest win.