My ADHD Journey
So, I have ADHD. I didn't know I had it until about 3 years ago. I was hanging out with some friends, and the subject of ADHD came up. One of my friends said to me "Yeah, I was actually really surprised when you said you didn't have ADHD". To which another friend chimed in agreement. I've known both of them for about 5 years, one of them was diagnosed with ADHD and the other's brother has ADHD. So, I thought maybe they were seeing something I wasn't. I asked them what made them think that.
"Well, you're easily distracted, kinda all over the place, you don't sit still and are constantly stimming, disorganized, you sometimes just zone out for no reason in the middle of conversations, the list goes on"
Huh.
I was in denial, thinking surely not. I mean, who doesn't have a hard time concentrating in school? Who doesn't zone out mid conversation? Who doesn't forget to turn in 10 homework assignments?
I decided to look at the DSM-5 criteria, my god, I checked ALL the boxes. I started going over my childhood, asking my mom questions about certain patterns. I started talking to my wife (who was my fiance at that time) and started pulling it all together.
I decided to get checked, so I set an appointment with my primary care physician to get screened. In the meantime, I started absorbing ADHD-related videos and articles and asking my inner circle about it to see if they also related. They didn't.
Nobody I knew who wasn't also diagnosed with ADHD could relate to the never-ending sample platter that was my roller coaster of thought. They couldn't relate to why I knew what to do, but there was something stopping me from doing it. I could never remember to do chores, or would lose homework even if I did it. Get so absorbed into something you'd forget to eat.
I looked back and reflected on my childhood. Looking back at all those times I'd zone out when being punished by my parents. Always losing track during class reading. The myriad of missing assignments. My always-messy backpack. The impossible task of staying concentrated. It all finally made sense.
My personal game theory of why I flew under the radar is that I am primarily-inattentive. So, a lot of my symptoms are internal. I had one teacher tell my mom she thinks I had ADD. Maybe my mom would have listened if my teacher wasn't an absolutely wicked old hag.
I started watching these videos about ADHD, and it was great to feel like someone was also seeing things the way you do. I watched this one video "Signs you might have ADHD", one of which was "if you have been spending the last week in a rabbit hole on ADHD, you might have ADHD". Thanks for calling me out like that...
The day of my screening came, it was just a week before my wedding, and the doctor handed me a form to fill out which was basically "how much do you experience these symptoms". It was at best moderate and at worst severe for all of them. So, she stuck me on 10mg of Adderall XR.
If you have/had used prescribed Adderall in the past, you may know how much of a PAIN IN THE ASS it is to get your hands on consistently. One of the main issues with Adderall is that it is a schedule 2 drug. Meaning that it has a high potential for abuse. This was also during the twilight days of the pandemic, where supply chains still sucked, and there was a national shortage for Adderall. I had to call around to various pharmacies that could take on a new patient. The only one that could take me was some small pharmacy inside a locally-owned grocer that was half an hour away from me.
So, not wanting to drive for an hour round trip for meds, I decided to just snag it on my next in-office work day since it was only 10 minutes from work. The first day I could actually take them was on my wedding day. I held off on taking them once I got them because my ADHD-diagnosed SIL warned me not to in case I got bad side-effects. So, I waited one more day.
The following day was probably the single most productive day of my life. Built the spice rack we got, vacuumed, did dishes, and then I just... relaxed. No thoughts. Just peace. My wife and I met up with my folks at some bar later on, and it was weird being able to just sit and listen without my brain interrupting.
Despite that great first day, it was all downhill from there. Someone described the first day on ADHD meds like being in a desert your whole life and finally taking a big drink of water. You'll feel a lot better, but it'll never be that consistent feeling. As time went on, the focus was still there, but then I started seeing the side effects. For one, my resting heart rate shot up 30bpm. I also just didn't eat? Like, I wouldn't even be hungry most of the day and often food just didn't sound appealing. My hyperfocus was a lot more present. I once spent 8 hours in a morning working on some coding project and realized I hadn't eaten and it was 3pm. I could physically "do" the thing, but only if there was some physical thing that would jog my memory.
It was at this point I also started to see my current therapist, which also confirmed I did in fact have ADHD. She helped me work on a lot of coping mechanisms as well which was helpful.
Months went by and the positives were starting to dwindle. My PCP upped my dosage to 15mg, and that seemed to be working great, but I was still seeing the minor negative side effects.
I eventually stopped taking my ADHD meds for a while because I wasn't attending college anymore, and so I felt like I could "live" with my symptoms.
It took my wife some time to get adjusted to my ADHD diagnosis, she didn't deny that I had ADHD, but couldn't understand why I'd constantly forget directions for example. She's grown to understand me more now, pregnancy brain was a big contributor.
Time went on, I was just rawdogging reality at this point. Life wasn't too bad... Then I had a child... and started college again. I realized really quickly I needed help, because I my ADHD was in full-swing. I couldn't get ahead and was constantly behind (the only thing I was probably consistent in). I decided to hop back on my ADHD medication.
I saw a new primary care, a Nurse Practitioner this time who had a lot more knowledge of ADHD compared to my old PCP. We tried Vyvanse 30mg. Let me be the first to say, I would have rather been on Adderall again. The focus was good and it helped a lot with managing my symptoms, but the side effects were worse. I could feel my chest pounding just walking around (I'm not THAT out of shape), my feet and fingers were basically ice, and I hardly ate more than 500 calories per day on my medication.
We decided to switch it up a bit and go for a non-stimulant, Wellbutrin. Typically used for treating ADHD as well as depression. This is what I'm on now. It isn't as good symptom management-wise like Adderall and Vyvanse, but it's good enough and I don't have any negative symptoms. Pairing my Wellbutrin with my medical Marijuana has so far been a good combination for me. I'm more productive, but maybe not more attentive. I can more consistently do house chores and actually do what I want to do instead of just going for easy dopamine all the time, but my attention span is still shit. I'll take what I can get honestly.
Anyway, that's kinda it. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. If you feel like you may be dealing with some mental health issue, its worth it to get it checked. I know it can be a privilege in many cases (thanks US healthcare -_-), but you owe it to yourself to try.
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