People Are Full of Shit When Someone Dies
TW: dead people, morbid jokes
So, I just got back from the funeral of my wife's grandpa. Before you start feeling sympathy, this guy was an asshole. Abused my Mother-in-Law and her mom, and is the reason why alcohol triggers my MIL. So don't feel too bad for this guy's passing. I do give the guy some props for going out on his own terms. Late stage Parkinson's is a hell of a way to die, so I don't blame the guy for grabbing a 9mm and taking the quick way out.
My wife barely knew him, and I even less so. And after all the horror stories I heard of this guy... let's just say when it came time for the funeral, I was more sad about having to stop eating my continental breakfast. Dead people still screw with me, brings back memories of seeing my dad when he died. And for some reason only known to my wife's Aunt K (we'll just call her that), they decided to go with a fucking open casket... I hear the coroner's did a good job. I'll take their word for it. I prefer to keep a personal restraining order on seeing a dead person, staying at least 100 feet away from them. Even if I did like the guy, I wouldn't have gotten close. Anyway, I'm getting off track (big shock).
My wife has a pretty big extended family, so the turnout for the funeral pretty decent. They busted out this fuckin' jalopy 1930s International Budweiser truck the old man was working on. Thing probably had an inline 2 with how it struggled to get up a hill even a toddler could handle. He had some military honors like a purple heart, and such. I made the joke to my wife that I don't wanna stand near the framed hand grenade they had. I told her cousin I'd give him $10 if he pulled the pin. It knew it was a dud, probably.
You had several people dressed up in their best yee-yee ass cowboy cosplay, "all hat and no cattle" as the saying goes. Seriously, what is with people who's only ranch they've ever seen is Hidden Valley dressing up in their pristine cowpoke boots and matching dunce cap?
Anyway, funeral service is going on, I'm tense as hell trying to refrain line of sight with the mannequin in clown makeup (seriously mortuaries need to go to Sephora or some shit) they got playing peak-a-boo in the $10k box in the front. I'm watching the cousins who barely knew him looking like they wanna be anywhere else but there perform like little monkeys, likely at their parent's request. Then it came time for people to say something to the dearly departed.
That's when I started to see just how full of shit everyone is at a funeral. Aunt K was going on about how she learned how to be "selfless" from him, mind you this woman would tell a homeless person to get a job and refused to get the COVID vaccine even after it almost made her husband implode. Guess it makes sense if she learned "selflessness" from the guy who used to I'm-not-fucking-kidding play chicken on a freeway with a car full of children. So, the Pirate family tree's biggest hypocrite award aside; When it came time for Taya's Aunt H (who I do like) to say something, that's when I started to see the port-a-potty levels of shit people can be full of.
"He loved us, even though he had a funny way of showing it"... yeah I fucking bet. You could tell people were running out of nice things to say about the guy when they start to dip their toes into saying the quiet part out loud.
I find it interesting how people try really hard to find something, anything nice to say about someone. I think the guy's sister said like 1 sentence that amounted to "he was one of the people of all time".
I also feel like I can't be the only one who thinks bringing children under the age of like 13 to an open-casket funeral and showing them the body like it's a chimpanzee exhibit a little odd? It can't just be me right?
Then it came time for the military honors at the funeral. If I had a nickel for every military funeral I've been to in the last 6 months, I'd have 2 nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's weird it's happened twice. In case you've never been to a military funeral I'll give you the gist. Some old geezers say something about "standing up for your freedoms" and all that shit. They then get another round of guys from the old folks home and hand them a rifle (brilliant idea) to do the 21 gun salute... There were 4 of them, so it was more of a 12 gun salute. Maybe they got the rookie with dyslexia to schedule this one. After the ringing in your ears subsides, they fold the flag and give it to whoever is the closest relative. Which so happened to be the oldest of the 6 sisters, MIL being #2. After that, we got into our cars and ponied over to Golden Corral... the most mid-ass buffet I've ever been to in my entire life... ye fucking haw.
Anyway, yeah. Funerals aren't fun. I think I've had enough this fiscal year.
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as of writing this...
I'm exhausted. Driving 4 hours with an overly-tired toddler hasn't been fun, but I'm glad to be home. I'm going to bed now.