Same Mess, Different Colors
"Same mess, different colors", that was my answer to my new therapist's question. I got a new therapist, my last therapist I had for over 3 years. Now it's back to square one.
If you could take a snapshot of yourself at the start of your therapy journey to now, how would that look?
That was what he asked me. The point was to create a sort of a creative abstraction for how I've changed.
"So, not much progress?" he asked.
"No, there has been progress, I say different colors because the circumstances and issues are not different".
The more things change the more they stay the same. You make all this progress in other aspects of your life, but then all new ones arise. Sisyphus, meet Boulder.
I've largely worked out the issues of my dad dying. I've largely worked out the issues of living in poverty as a kid.
I think my therapist is going to quickly figure out that cognitive behavioral therapy isn't going to exactly fit my use case. Maybe it will, I don't know.
The problem I have now is I'm angry, a lot of people are. I'm either angry or depressed. I'm angry because every day I'm reminded what a fucking failure our society has become. I fucking hate the people running the country into the ground. I don't even put all the blame on Trump, he's just the pedophilic catalyst that this whole system bred.
The system itself is rotten to its core. The government would rather strip children from their parents and pay some cruel old hag to abuse them instead of just paying the fucking parent enough to stay afloat.
Our healthcare system thrives when people go into massive debt for treatment they need. Health insurance is a fucking racket that doesn't even need to exist, and it profits from denying claims; functionally profiting off of killing people or making them suffer. And you want me to feel sorry for the CEO that got zero'd? Fuck off. The government tricked an entire demographic of people into thinking that we have to pay the premium for the best healthcare... we most certainly do NOT have the best healthcare, Cuba has better healthcare than us.
I won't buy that defeatist bullshit of "well capitalism isn't good, but it's the best we've got". We have pretty solid alternatives, we just need to quit murdering them in their infancy. We have better solutions, you just lack creativity.
My generation is giving up on the notion of the "American Dream" the false narrative that only existed for middle-class white people. We know the game is rigged from the start. It's all one big club, and we're not in it.
I've thought about going to support groups or something. But again, we run into the issue where everything has to be fucking monetized. I don't have $100 to blow for a 1-hour group cry. Men are left in the dust when it comes to support groups compared to women, I don't say this to demean women's support groups, I'm glad they are so plentiful. I just wish there was more for the guys. The patriarchy fucks us over too.
I hate the job I work at, 2-hr round-trip drives, ran by the most obtuse upper management. Ever since the whole debacle of the CEO cheating on his wife (the owner of the parent company) and her shift into the acting CEO, the company has hit a brick wall in morale. They know it, but they'll do their best to not acknowledge it and only espouse the "no shit" byproducts of RTO, like people having meetings in person more... duh. They are willing to let go of skilled workers because they can't swallow their fucking pride, and quit clinging on to obsolete corporate philosophy. No amount of ice cream social's and ping pong tables are gonna fix that.
I want to be home with my wife and daughter, not sit in some cubicle where the lights are too damn bright and my not-technically-manager-but-also-manager shuffles over to my area to show me the 3rd AI video today.
"If you could imagine, a fairy came and sprinkled magic over you to where all your problems were fixed, what would be the first thing you would notice to indicate something was different?" this is what my new therapist had asked me, well first I'd check the news to see if Trump had a stroke, but I didn't say that.
"I'd probably wake up feeling like how Peter Gibbons felt in office space after getting hypnotized, feeling free to do whatever the hell I want, tell the CEO she sucks to her face, quit playing into the customer service/corporate culture social facade."
I want to break free, to quit feeling like I'm constantly having my autonomy stripped away and having to just take it because these greedy leeches at the top of society lord my daughter's ability to eat over my head.
I don't know how therapy is going to fix what drugs have already been trying to do for about a year now. I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.
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