thinking about friendships (a belated reply)
So, a while back I read my friend Ava's post (thinking about friendships)[https://blog.avas.space/friendships/]. Told her I wanted to write a reply post, but then life kinda got in the way and I wanted to write other stuff. Well now here I am finally getting around to it.
I relate a lot to Ava's anecdote. I too grew up mostly solitary and am an only child. My parents weren't neglectful in the slightest, but I grew up around adults more than I did kids. I found myself in this weird in-between where I didn't quite relate to adults, but I didn't fully relate to kids my own age. I had friends, but those friends had closer friends that they'd rather spend time with, so for most of my younger years I just kinda played by myself or migrated to different groups not really belonging anywhere.
That started to change when I went to middle school. I had my first real friend, we'll call her Chloe. Pretty much every recess we'd spend together just walking around the field and talking. Then one day she made a comment about how I "followed her around like a lost puppy". So, I stopped hanging around her. I was really upset and confused. To this day, I'm still not sure what I did wrong. I thought she was my best friend.
I later met this guy who became my first real best friend, we'll call him Phil. We were into a lot of the same things, video games mostly. I remember when Linkin Park's album "Living Things" came up, and we learned Mike Shinoda's rap section on "Burn it Down" (still a banger song). I'd go over to his house (which was friggen giant), and we'd hang out and play Wii. His parents were the loveliest people. When things started to go south financially for my parents, especially after my dad passed, they told my mom I was welcome any time. Their ribs and rice got me through really hard times. I don't talk to him much anymore, kinda lost contact, but I still think about them.
In high school I got I met this girl (we'll call her Candy). Like Chloe, I partially started to talk to her because I thought she was pretty, and we just ended up being friends. She functionally exploded my social life. She brought this girl Neyv into the group who then brought in my best friend to this day, we'll call him Moose (not to be confused with (the blogger, Moose)[https://tanzi-media.com/]).
I've kinda noticed this reoccurring pattern with myself. I make one friend and then that one friend makes a bunch of other friends seemingly on my behalf. Candy with my friends in high school, Phil was the reason I made a few more friends in middle school, and my wife has made friends that became my friends too.
Contrary to what a lot of people may think of me, I'm not very social. I'm sociable, but not social if that makes sense. I don't really network or mingle. I just kinda keep to one person and then branch out as that friend introduces me to other people. I've always struggled getting started with trying to make friends, but will occasionally stumble into something. Like Ava, I'm also autistic, so navigating most social situations is like a blind person navigating a busy metro.
People love to complain about a loneliness epidemic, but at this point, I consider that many people just wanna be lonely and make no effort to change that, or are saturated with what they have[...]
This was a point that Ava had made in her post and I have to agree. As I got older, making friends has only gotten harder. I've found that people want friends, but don't want to actually put in the effort to maintain that friendship. Despite this, I still feel like I have 4 close friends. My wife obviously being one of them, my best friend since sophomore year of high school (my longest friendship), my friend I made from my short time living in Idaho, and a more recent friend who started a local men's support group.
A major issue I notice is there's a severe lack in opportunities to socialize now than there were back when I was younger. Hardly anybody does LAN parties anymore, meetups aren't being done in-person and are just all over Zoom or something, and places where you would casually meet people just don't exist anymore. People's online world is often more 'real' than the real world and it shows.
Ava had made another good point, "I’ve also noticed that online friends, especially the ones more far away, and general real life friends that live very far away (because you or they moved away) make much more of an effort." And this rings true for me as well. The majority of my friends are online, or long distance, but those friends have put far more effort into our respective friendship than most of my local efforts.
I have friends of all genders, trans or cis. I think a lot of men miss out on fulfilling friendships with women because they don't seem to think a friendship with a woman is worth it if they aren't romantically interested. I think that's kinda bullshit. I used to think the "friendzone" was a thing, but it's really just friends you're not romantically involved with... which is most friends. No guy talks about one of their bros "friendzoning" them, y'know?
I find that I don't like having a lot of friends locally anyway, because then there's SO many social opportunities that I can't even hope to recharge after. If I go to a big social event, I need at least a few days of solitude to recharge. It's been kinda a boundary I've set with my wife because she plans a LOT of events especially with extended family. There was a point where seemingly every other day we had something planned to go to. I set the rule no more than 1-2 social gatherings a week for me, she can of course go to as many as she wants, but I need breathing room.
At this point of my life, I'm pretty content with my social life. Part of me used to think that there was something wrong with me because I didn't really care to make any new friends for the longest time. My wife and work were sufficient for "getting me out" and I have online friends that I sit and play Halo with every week. I just try and focus on being a good person to be around and everything kinda falls into place thereafter.
I guess that's all you really can do. Just lean into what your social strengths are. Maybe it's your sense of humor that gets people invested in you. Maybe it's fascinating stories you tell. Maybe you're just a nice person to be around or you give supportive/encouraging advice. Whatever the case may be, I believe that if you find contentment being with yourself and are a pleasant person to be around, people tend to gravitate toward that.
I think we also get so hung up on making 'friends' when I think the true joy comes from connection as a whole. There's significance in the game nights you have with your friends, but also significance in the small conversations you have with your family or even the people bagging your groceries. I know, easier said than done making casual conversation with strangers, but it is worth considering.
All in all, just bring out the best version of yourself that you can. Keep an ear out for other people, and remember it's okay to not have a crapton of friends. Even if you just have one significant relationship, that's nothing to scoff at.
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Reply via email: me@absurdpirate.com
as of writing this...
I'm genuinely blown away at how many people responded to my last post. It truly means a lot. So if you sent an email and I hadn't emailed you back, consider this a personal thank you from my mom and I. I've sent her every message/email I've been sent and she's in the process of printing them out and putting them in her cancer journey journal as a personal reminder. Again, I can't thank you all enough, you're all wonderful people.