What I Learned About Relationships After Being With My Wife For 8 Years
Today marks the day Mrs. Pirate and I have been married for 4 years, and have been a couple for 8. In that time, I've learned SO damn much about what it means to love and be loved. I've learned what an effective partnership is, and how to keep said relationship growing. So, I'd like to share some of that.
For start, don't chase the "honeymoon phase". You're not gonna feel the way you did when you first started dating your partner. At the start, everything is new and exciting, and you're probably hot and heavy for one another. That's going to naturally fade away over time as you fall into familiarity and routine. Love is companionship, being happy in that person's presence. Love doesn't always look like 2 people jumping each other's bones all the time, it more often than not looks like 2 people sitting on a couch watching TV and holding each other's hand. Love is about being content with living a pretty boring life with that person.
Get in with a couples counselor early when you start being really serious. I'd say a good time to consider this would be after you and your partner start living together. Mrs. Pirate and I started doing couples counseling right around the time we moved in together, and it was probably one of the smartest things we did. Therapy helped us iron out kinks before they became actual problems. There's kinda a stigma around this, you tell people you're going to couples counseling and they think your relationship is over. It only becomes an issue when you go to counseling when it's already too late. There's nothing wrong with building strong foundations.
Values are more important than personalities. My wife and I are borderline polar opposites when it comes to interests and personality. Mrs. Pirate and I are the living example of "opposites attract". She's the collected organized type, and I'm the spontaneous energetic type. You should always have SOMETHING you both enjoy doing together, but at the end of the day what matters is where you are aligned in terms of core values. Helping others, how you want to raise your children (if you plan on having any), approaches to house management, etc. You can have all the same interests you want, but if one person thinks spanking your kid is okay and the other hates the thought of it, you're gonna run into a lot of issues.
Attraction transcends looks. As Mrs. Pirate and I have gotten older, we went from fit teens to having mom/dad bods and I'm sure that as we get older our looks will fade. That's just what happens. However, attraction and love transcends looks. I know old couples who still think their person is the sexiest person they've ever laid eyes on. When you're attracted to someone, like truly attracted to them, they're beautiful regardless of age and superficialities. If you can't imagine loving that person when they're 89, wrinkly, and flabby, you don't love them enough.
When you're committed to each other, all money is "our" money. When you start living together and are formed in a long-term partnership. Combining finances is a pretty good idea. It stops a lot of fights because it stops becoming "your money vs. my money" and more "this is our money". This becomes critical if one side, for one reason or another, takes up most of the domestic labor. I work full time and Mrs. Pirate is a housewife. My labor is financially compensated, but hers isn't. There has to be that manageable balance. So finances become a joint operation, rather than a yours vs. mine. We've negated so many fights that my parents had (who did separate their finances).
Sometimes their needs come before your comfort. I've held Mrs. Pirate's hair as she threw up into a bowl repeatedly post hip surgery. She's gone out to the store and cooked me comfort food when I'm sick.
If you're not in a relationship with your best friend, you're in the wrong relationship. Your partner should be your best friend, they're the person who catches you when you fall. They're the person who builds you up and keeps you grounded.
For the love of god, talk to each other. Communication is key and a lot of couples are really fucking bad at it. Most problems stem from people not saying what they need. My wife has learned that I am damn near incapable of taking a hint, so if she needs something or have something done a certain way she has to tell me. Once we got that figured out, the fights in that realm stopped.
Things get a lot easier when you get along with each others in-laws. There's a stereotype of the in-laws that hate each other. It happens often. Shit happens, and sometimes one side just doesn't have a good relationship with their parents. But life is a lot easier when you get along with your partners parents, and vice versa (within reason). You don't have to be best friends with them, but having a positive relationship with them makes life a lot less stressful.
Things change when kids enter the picture. One of the things that separates a relationship from one that will go the distance from one that doesn't is how the couple operates after a kid enters the picture. Mrs. Pirate and I's marriage and partnership only got stronger after our daughter came into our lives. When a child enters your lives, there's gonna be a lot of chaos initially. This is where the foundation comes in and where partnership becomes crucial. When my daughter was born, I would spend hours figuring out proper breastfeeding positioning because it was causing my wife a lot of pain initially, and we figured it out. My daughter slept with Mrs. Pirate a lot the first year or so, and when nights got hard and she got restless I busted out the guitar and played until she settled down. When I was getting into an overstimulated meltdown Mrs. Pirate came to my rescue. We supported each other when things got hard, and that's what mattered most.
Anyway, it's been a long adventure with Mrs. Pirate. We started dating when we were both teenagers. We're not kids anymore, we're not the same people we were 8 years ago. Through that though, our relationship has only gotten stronger. We've gotten through long-distance, her parents' divorce, death of loved ones, arguments, having a child, and more. We've gone through a lot together, and have always come out on top. I'm grateful for her, and look forward to the rest of our lives together.
If you're reading this, honey, I love you. You are my favorite person. Happy anniversary.
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