breaking generational trauma
Before I became a parent, I learned what I didn't want to raise my daughter with. How I wanted to make sure she grew up to be well-adjusted, radical, "woke" commie that makes Ronnie Reagan quiver in his oxfords as he looks up at us from what ever pit he deserves to be stuck in. Part of that came with the question of "discipline".
I kinda hate that word, discipline. You always hear it from these parents that want obedient submissive children afraid of their own shadow and then wonder why their kids don't want anything to do with them. It's like they didn't want a child, they wanted a puppy that can do the dishes. One of the means of delivering this "discipline" is through physical punishment, usually spanking.
I used to not think much of it, my parents did it to me, I thought it was normal. How else do you raise a child to not be an absolute terror? I look at parents who just let their kid raise hell on the environment around them, that sure as hell isn't what I wanted from my kids.
My parents used to spank me as a kid, it was really seldom. They would mostly use their hand. They would use some "aid" like a belt or a spoon, I only got the spoon for lying. To my parents, dishonest was probably the worst thing I could be. Of course there were exceptions (something something Kantian ethics something something jews in the attic), but they didn't want me to grow up being a liar.
I got a belt twice in my life, once for when I spat on some girls sitting behind me on a school bus, and once for punching a kid in the nose for no reason other than just letting the impulsive thoughts win. It's kinda ironic, the punishment for being unnecessarily violent was unnecessary violence.
Spankings for me were a last resort from my parents, but they eventually learned that it wasn't doing much and opted for other forms of repercussions for my actions. With the aforementioned lying, I got spanked 3 times for it, the most effective punishment was my mom telling me she couldn't trust me, and had to earn back her trust. THAT worked far more. With the girls, I learned more from writing them an apology letter. From punching the kid... honestly the message was pretty clear. I kinda got my karma later with that one when he tried to strangle me... to which I hit him again. I think the in house suspension worked moreso in that instance.
I think physical punishments honestly traumatized my dad far more than they did me. I remember more of my dad breaking down into tears after spanking me because he had the role of the enforcer, for lack of a better word. My mom wasn't nearly as intimidating as my dad was, I remember the last time she ever used the spoon on me was when it broke off my ass. I remember her walking out of the room half-pissed shouting to my dad "hard-ass broke my spoon!" Any "punishment" was rendered null as I laughed after she walked out.
My dad was abused as a kid by his drug-addled dad and his complacent mother. So, anything more than playful roughhousing tore my dad apart. He didn't want to be like his dad. I remember one of the last times I ever got physically punished was when I was kid and my dad whispered to me "you know I hate doing this right?"
My parents learned that physical punishments weren't effective. However, growing up with limited information in the late 90s to early 2000s, you don't really know of better alternatives.
I feel my experience was rare, as I hear stories from other people who's parents used physical punishment was more just these parents taking out their anger on their kids then trying to justify it later. You almost think their parents relished in beating their kids for arbitrary reasons. I guess that was the distinction, I was spanked they were beaten.
Where I got a quick spanking that stung for a little bit, these people as kids were getting the shit kicked out of them with marks that stayed for days.
It was this sort of scale of "well my parents weren't anything like that" that made me think spanking was a valid form of punishment. This changed when I got into an online debate and I said the catchphrase that you've probably heard, "my parents spanked me and I turned out fine". To which the person replied with:
I find it ironic that anyone who would justify hitting a child 'turned out fine'
That's when it hit me.
I talked with my mom and she basically agreed with the comment. She said to me something to the effect of:
We spanked you because we didn't know what else worked better at the time. We didn't have much access to information about better alternatives. My dad was way worse, I can't stand to hear the crack of a belt because of him. Makes my skin crawl. We learned that the things that really changed your actions were non-physical. You learned way more from me being disappointed in you than anything else.
So, from then on I shifted my thinking. However, I still didn't know of a better alternative. My wife and I had learned about gentle parenting, I was hesitant because I saw my wife's aunt who folded with her kids constantly and it was largely ineffective. One of her daughters ended up crashing her step-dad's truck recently. She's not even old enough for a learners permit and stole the truck to go pick up her boyfriend to which she wrecked this truck.
We bought a book on gentle parenting, and learned quickly that what my wife's aunt was doing was called "permissive parenting", along the same lines as those parents that let TV, video games, and iPads raise their children. Which is almost as bad as authoritarian parenting using physical punishment and being overly-strict.
See, kids are developing adults. Which people forget. Kids aren't stupid, and it's good to teach them lessons that would actually apply in the real world as they grow up. Punishments should be applicable at any stage and should relate to what they did.
If you fuck up at work, your boss isn't going to bend you over and spank you... unless that's something your into.
It's about helping your child develop coping mechanisms for their emotions helping them help themselves cool down from their big emotions, not spanking them for acting out in a grocery store.
It's important for each generation to learn from their parents and break that generational trauma. My wife learned from her parents the importance of communication in a relationship and putting each other first. I learned from my parents that physical punishment isn't effective, and that there are better forms of punishment that won't leave your kid with worse emotional dysregulation.
I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but if you ever plan on being a parent, please learn from your parents and don't repeat their mistakes. We owe it to our kids.
Pirate is wearing green plaid pj bottoms and a black tee
Pirate is feeling tired
Pirate is listening to Abbey Road
Pirate is playing Need for Speed Underground 2
Reply via email: me@absurdpirate.com