I Think I'm Just a Bunch of Mental Disorders Wearing a Trench Coat
Reply via email: me@absurdpirate.com
I grew up always being told I "thump to my own tune", that I had my "quirks", etc. My mom always praised me for being able to think outside the box. I always seemed to be someone who, when everyone was going right, I went left (for better or for worse).
A few weeks before my wedding circa 2022, I got diagnosed with ADHD. For the longest time I was in denial that I was ADHD. Until it came up in conversation with some friends who said they were genuinely surprised when I said I didn't have ADHD. When I asked what they saw, they saw me spacing out mid-conversation while staring right at them, can't sit still, all-over-the-fucking-place, etc.
I thought about it for a second, then looked at the DSM-5:
- Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities. Check!
- Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities. Check!
- Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly. Check!
- Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked). Double Check!
- Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities. Check!
- Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework). Triple Check!
- Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones). Check!
- Is often easily distracted. C-c-c-combo check!
- Is often forgetful in daily activities. Check!
- Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet, or squirms in seat. Check!
- Often talks excessively. Check!
- Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed. Check!
- Often has trouble waiting their turn. Check!
- Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games). Check!
I began combing through my childhood, asking my mom questions about how I was growing up. Everything lined up. Homework that I knew how to do, but would forget about it or just not do it. Unable to clean my room unless steps were laid out. Dishes would often have spots that I'd miss. Forgetting to do basic routine chores. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I asked people if they had a constant monologue that went on in their head constantly, to my surprise was met with a "no" and a raised eyebrow. Holy shit, I have ADHD.
Hell, even my writing screams my ADHD. I'll get started on a paragraph, then think of something else to write so I start another paragraph before finishing the previous one.
So, I went to a GP, did the little diagnostic checklist. Went home with Adderall. Lemme tell you, I got the most done in 3 hours than I had in an entire month combined. Dishes cleaned, newly-acquired spice rack organized, laundry folded. Then I was able to just... relax. No endless conveyor belt of thoughts.
I later was diagnosed with PTSD due to trauma as a young teen when my dad died. Which explained another aspect of my personality. Why I couldn't seem to get rid of these intrusive memories of the day my dad died. The restlessness when my brain ruminates on who in my life is going to die next. It got worse after my daughter was born, constantly on edge at night wondering if I was going to wake up to my baby not waking up.
I learned that my 2 main defense mechanisms due to traumatic events is dissociation and humor. When my dad died, I ended up feeling nothing for a while. For a while I wondered if I was just a sociopath. Then I realized it was just my brain trying to defend itself. During my uncle's funeral, same thing, no emotions. The shooting? Complete dissociation. Then I start kicking in the light-hearted jokes.
I have a high suspicion I may be on the Autism spectrum. I don't really wanna get diagnosed for it, as there is A LOT of reasons why I shouldn't (mostly due to the government). Explains why I always felt socially inept, difficulties keeping eye contact, requiring scripts for most social interactions, my lifelong obsession with Bungie-era Halo, my sound and light sensitivities, etc. I have a hard time knowing when I've made a social blunder. I generally can't tell where people's line is until I've already crossed it. My wife seems to be so in-tune in social situations and I feel like I'm perpetually wearing the dunce cap.
My wife was reading this parenting book, and in it had a section talking about Asperger's Syndrome (which I know is ASD now). After reading it she's like "you literally hit every single checkbox on this list". So, there's that.
I make the joke that my wife is my handler, but most of the time I'm only partially joking. She helps me when I get overwhelmed, notices when I'm overstimulated and need a break, informs me of the type of setting we are going into/people we will be around so I can tune my personality accordingly. She's the reason I even got into therapy in the first place, and the reason I've made the progress I have. For that, I will never not be grateful to her.
It's gotten to the point now where I wonder where the mental disorders end and I begin. What part of me is my actual personality, and what part is a mental disorder? If I didn't have all these diagnoses, who would I even be? I feel like I sometimes get a glimpse into that person when I take my ADHD meds and smoke a bit of weed, but I'm not too sure.
I like the person I am when I have this combo, I don't get disproportionately angry at my daughter when she does her little "I want something" scream (feels like someone just poured water on a motherboard). I'm happier, more patient, more attentive, more affectionate to my wife and daughter. I am all those things without the meds/weed, but it's not nearly as consistent.
I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I am who I am because of ADHD/ASD/PTSD. There are a lot of downsides, but there are also plus sides that people seem to like about me. I guess I just have to mourn for who I could have been, and love who I am. That's the hardest part in all of this it seems.